Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut (!), it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline
attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s
butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and…and…and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
12. Are loyal to a fault.
13. Always love you, no matter what, the best!
We wish you and yours, including your furry, feathered and scaled family members Blessings and a Great Holiday!!
Tim, Princess, Santa, Apachi, Angel, Marion and Angelina
Day 983 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now …
A great pet gift is one that makes both you and your friend happy!!
Finally here’s a gift idea for both the pet owner and the pet! PediPaws™ is the revolutionary nail trimmer for your dog or cat. It’s the newest, fastest and easiest way to keep your pet’s nails trim rounded and smooth with no mess! Now you can trim your pet’s nails anywhere without the pain caused by traditional nail clippers.
Click below to learn more!
Nail Clipping Made Easy and Painless
Halloween Safety Tips
No Scaredy Cats This Halloween: Top 13 Safety Tips for Pet Parents
1. No tricks, no treats: That bowlful of candy is for trick-or-treaters, not for Scruffy and Fluffy.
- Chocolate in all forms—especially dark or baking chocolate—can be very dangerous for dogs and cats. Symptoms of significant chocolate ingestion may include vomiting, diarrhea, hyperactivity, increased thirst, urination and heart rate—and even seizures.
- Candies containing the artificial sweetener xylitol can be poisonous to dogs. Even small amounts of xylitol sweetener can cause a sudden drop in blood sugar, which leads to depression, lack of coordination and seizures. In cases of significantly low blood sugar, liver failure has been known to occur.
- Ingesting tin foil and cellophane candy wrappers can pose a choking hazard or cause intestinal blockage.
2. Popular Halloween plants such as pumpkins and decorative corn are considered to be relatively nontoxic, yet they can produce gastrointestinal upset should pets ingest them. Intestinal blockage could even occur if large pieces are swallowed. (As we head toward decorating for Thanksgiving or Christmas… some popular plants used are much more toxic and hazardous).
3. Keep wires and cords from electric lights and other decorations out of reach of your pets. If chewed, your pet could experience damage to his mouth from shards of glass or plastic, or receive a possibly life-threatening electrical shock.
4. A carved pumpkin certainly is festive, but do exercise extreme caution if you choose to add a candle. Pets can easily knock a lit pumpkin over and cause a fire. Curious kittens especially run the risk of getting burned or singed by candle flames.
5. Dress-up can be a big mess-up for some pets, and can be fun and great with others!! Please don’t put your dog or cat in a costume UNLESS you know he or she loves it (yup, a few pets are real hams and some are pretty neutral!). Some even love going out with the family in costume for trick or treating. But for pets who prefer their “birthday suits,” however, wearing a costume can cause undue stress. For some pets walking with the adult who is supervising the trick or treating is better than leaving them home, but don’t send your pets out with your children. It can end up being traumatic for both the kids and the pets.
6. If you do dress up your pet, make sure the costume isn’t annoying or unsafe. It should not constrict the animal’s movement or hearing, or impede his ability to breathe, bark or meow. Also try on costumes before the big night (at least during the day today, if you haven’t already). If your pet seems distressed, allergic or shows abnormal behavior, consider letting him go au natural or donning a festive bandana. Also, if you are one to dress up to give out candy, make sure your pets are comfortable with your costume or mask. And make sure that your pets are either their to watch you and kids dress up or remove the masks and scary parts before they see you, after coming home.
7. Take a closer look at your pet’s costume and make sure it does not have small, dangling or easily chewed-off pieces that he could choke on. Also, ill-fitting outfits can get twisted on external objects or your pet, leading to injury.
8. All but the most social dogs and cats should be kept in a separate room away from the front door during peak trick-or-treat visiting hours. Too many strangers can be scary and stressful for pets. Another option is to put up a baby gate in front of the door, so you don’t have the constant ringing of the door bell. Many pets do much better with that because they feel part of the activities without the noise.
9. When opening the door for trick-or-treaters, take care that your cat or dog doesn’t dart outside, another plus for using the baby gate idea. Make sure that birds, exotics, and pocket pets, etc are in their cages or in restrained areas as well.
10. IDs, please! Always make sure your dog or cat has proper identification, and today is definitely a day when they should be wearing them! If for any reason your pet escapes and become lost, a collar and tags and/or a microchip can increase the chances that he or she will be returned to you. And if you are taking your pet trick out trick or treating with the family, ID’s and leashes are a must!
11. Do not leave your pets at home alone during peak trick or treating hours, (or during ‘trick or treating hours’ at all if you can help it). The noise of children running, the strange sounds, and the doorbells can be very stressful and even traumatic for pets. If you can’t be home, get a pet sitter or drop them off with someone who will be home. For most of us, someone can stay behind to give out candy and be with the pets or if you are going to a party, they usually start, or at least get going, long after the trick-or-treaters have gone.
12. If you are Having a Halloween Party or Going to One, take your pets to a friends’ or family member’s house, board them, or take them to a sitter. Large amounts of people, lots of costumes and scary noises, doors opening and closing where they can get out and lost, and dropped food or food and alcohol given them by unknowing or drunk friends can mean disaster for your pets!!
13. Be a responsible pet parent, companion and animal caretaker and use your common sense like you would with your small children to keep your pets’ safe and stress free! If you do suspect your pet has ingested a potentially dangerous substance, please call your veterinarian or the ASPCA Animal Poison Control Center at (888) 426-4435.
Source: ASPCA & Common Sense